Making Amends

The 12 Steps of Recovery involve making amends.

Two people in my very close circle are in recovery, and I am proud to be able to say that. Since recovery stresses the idea of anonymity, I will do my best to keep this even more anonymous than normal. This blog is dedicated to one of these people, that I will refer to as GQ.

A few years back, the entire group was going on a cruise to celebrate a big birthday with GQ. I decided not to go. Of course there is that pesky fear of travel that gets in my way, but that was not even my reason. I felt slighted by GQ for so long that I did not want to do something that felt phony. I wrote GQ an e-mail and expressed my feelings. I was hurt by years of dangling by a thread, walking on eggshells, of feeling like no more than a thorn in GQ’s side, of GQ’s bursts of anger, etc… And although it was not my recovery, I did not respect that GQ talked the talk, but did not walk the walk. Where the hell was my amends? I was there too. I was effected by everything that went on. GQ responded to my e-mail. It was not very heartfelt. GQ’s response actually hurt me even more, as it likened the idea of legal ownership as an expression of love.
A couple of years have passed in the interim.

Something has happened, and I don’t know what it is. GQ does thoughtful things for me now. GQ calls me on the phone just to see how I am. GQ ends each phone call by saying “I Love You”. Words are words, but GQ is actually showing me love, and I really like it. It is as if all those years of pain, and hurt are melting away. I feel important. I feel considered. I feel appreciated. So I just wanted to say:

I love you too GQ!
Happy Anniversary.

I am proud of you.