Who's Your Daddy?

It's been a long time since I felt like writing (shame), but I am back (at least for the moment).

After twenty-something years of absence, my adoptive father has resurfaced and wants to be a part of my life. He moved to Florida with his wife, stepdaughter, and baby son long ago and ceased all contact with me and Big Bro. All of a sudden he is back, and wants to rekindle our relationship.



For years I went along with no one to call "Daddy" even though I have had 4 father-ish types pass through my life. I would like to open this matter up to the general public, and YOU can weigh in with your ideas in the 'Who's Your Daddy' debate.


The Chronological Line-Up
(cue Rocky theme music)

Daddy #1 - Was nothing more to me than a sperm donor, and a mystery, for 32 years of my life. He was very young, and I was put up for adoption right away. After a search, and a letter, he has become a part of my life (somewhat). We exchange occasional text messages and e-mails. We got to know each other to a decent extent through these, but his wife is very against us being in contact, and so we have yet to meet or make the relationship "real". He signs his name as "dad" in all of our correspondence.




Daddy # 2 - Adopted me along with Momma. His name is on my birth certificate. For legal purposes, he is my daddy. He is Big Bro's biological daddy. He and Momma divorced when I was two years old. He was a weekend dad for a good ten years afterward. Then he moved to Florida with his "family". That was the end of his father tenure. No contact. No birthday cards or calls. No letters. No NOTHING!!!! Until now...a message through Facebook. Some messages back and forth and a phone call. He is sorry, and wants to be back in our (mine and Big Bro's) lives. When asked to explain the whys of his disappearance, all he can say is "I don't know", "I am sorry", and "I will not disappear again". He also signs his name as "dad" in all of our correspondence.





Daddy # 3 - Married Momma after Daddy # 2. They were married for 3-4 years. He was good to me and Big Bro. The two of them fought like cats and dogs, but the venom was never directed at me or Big Bro. During his reign, I called Daddy # 3 "Dada" (Daddy # 2 was "daddy"). After the divorce, Dada tried to be another weekend father to me. It went on for a bit until Momma decided that he really had no claims to me and ceased all contact. Big Bro, being older, maintained his own secret relationship with Daddy # 3. I was still quite young and was not able to do so on my own. Many years passed before I saw Daddy # 3 again. He came to Big Bro's wedding, and some functions for Big Bro's mini-people. Anytime I do see him, he is very happy to see me. He always expresses that he would love to have a relationship with me whenever I am ready to do so. I feel bad...but never take him up on his offer. It feels like opening yet another complicated door, even though I know he only has the best of intentions. Being that I have no correspondence with Daddy # 3 (aside from an occasional sighting at a function), he is known only by his given name.




Daddy # 4 - Came along shortly after Daddy # 3. He married Momma, and surprisingly, in a few months they will have been married for 25 years. From the start we called him by his name. He was never given a dad-like reference. To be honest, he didn't deserve one. He was mean to me and Big Bro. We walked on eggshells growing up with him as he would pick a fight with anyone over anything. He never treated us as his own. More like thorns in his side. He and Momma adopted a baby together. He was her Daddy. It was very obvious the way he treated his 'own' child vs. how he treated me and Big Bro. To be fair, Daddy # 4 has come a long way in the past few years. He is good to Big Bro's mini-people. He is much calmer now, and shows much more of an effort in trying to maintain relationships with us.

A few factors to try and weigh out the decision on WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
(A low score is better than a high score.)


Abandonment Factor:
Daddy # 1 - scores high, but it was really beyond his control
Daddy # 2 - scores high, but it was within his full control
Daddy # 3 - scores medium, because he tried to maintain relationship but was turned away
Daddy # 4 - scores low, as he has been around steadily for 25+ years



Feeling Loved Factor:
Daddy # 1 - scores medium, as he expresses this point often but doesn't stand up to his wife so that we could have a real relationship
Daddy # 2 - scores high, as his long term absence has not made me feel warm and fuzzy in the least
Daddy # 3 - scores medium/low, as anytime I see him he genuinely expresses his feelings toward me, and without being pushy tells me that he would always be there for me
Daddy # 4 - scores solid medium, as one day he could refer to me as his daughter, but the next day not...mixed signals and messages always!!!




Financial Obligation Factor:
Daddy # 1 - scores high, as he never paid a dime...but again, he didn't have to
Daddy # 2 - scores high, as he stopped paying child support at the same time he left us
Daddy # 3 - scores high, as he did support us for the time he was involved but it was short lived
Daddy # 4 - scores low, as, like it or not, he financially supported us for all those years and to this day takes us out for nice dinners, buys us gifts, etc....




Common Interest Factor:
Daddy # 1 - scores medium, as we both love to play and create music, but his godliness is a bit over the top
Daddy # 2 - scores medium/high, as I know we both enjoy listening to music, but haven't done so in over 20 years
Daddy # 3 - scores high, as I am not sure we have any
Daddy # 4 - scores medium, we also share a passion for music, but his taste for the finer things separates us




Mixed Signal Factor:
Daddy # 1 - scores high, as he treats me like a yo-yo....we will meet, we won't meet, I will stand up to my wife, I won't stand up to my wife, my kids mean the world to me, Umm hello???
Daddy # 2 - scores high, as he was a decent father when he was still involved but then went AWOL
Daddy # 3 - scores low, as he always wanted a relationship...and has maintained the same vibe after all these years
Daddy # 4 - scores high, as mixed signals should be his middle name



Daddy Awards

The award for look alike dad goes to............
Daddy # 1, as we look scarily alike.

The award for stick it out dad goes to...........
Daddy # 4, as he has been the most consistent.

The award for most sincere dad goes to............
Daddy # 3, as he is straight from the heart.

The award for most dad-like memories goes to............
Daddy # 2, as he used to throw a ball, push a swing, attend a Parent Teacher Conference, etc....


Happy Daddy Memories

Daddy # 1 - I loved that he first wrote back to me on my birthday. He knew my birthday 32 years later. That was pretty cool. Looking at his pictures and seeing my own face staring back at me was really a trip. He plays guitar...nuff said?


Daddy # 2 - I loved when he would plan a fun activity for me and Big Bro, instead of just taking us to his house to play with the other kids. On those days, we would take turns picking where we would go to eat, or what we would do. He always sang along to songs in the car....only oldies. He would make up his own silly songs about cleaning up.


Daddy # 3 - I loved when he took me and Big Bro, and his daughter to a mall one day for a shopping spree. He told us we each had $60 to spend in any way we chose. We had to keep track of our money (math lesson) and make the best decisions. I still have a book about the history of Disney animation that I picked on that day. It wasn't the money part that made it so special. He made it into an adventure, and it was certainly a peak experience for me. He also took us on fun family vacations....amusement parks, road trips, etc....


Daddy # 4 - I loved his (sometimes over the top) spontaneity....he could start a house-wide water fight, blast Grateful Dead tunes, and play the worst air-guitar known to man (in an endearing way). He is big on showing love through financial means (which I don't really care for) but as a result would get me loads of Cabbage Patch dolls, and built me my pink Huffy bike, and would occasionally take me shopping for clothes in an over the top frenzy.


Well....where do you weigh in on the 'WHO'S YOUR DADDY?' debate?